I wrote this yesterday morning, but didn’t have the time to post.
Damn its only 9:34 in the morning and already I’m ready to give up on the day, put on my pjs and curl into bed surrounded by pillows. Surrounded by nothing. I’m stressed, I’m aggravated, I’m exhausted, I’m worn, I’m burnt o-u-t. What is weighing most heavy on my heart and mind is my daughter’s father. We’ve haven’t been communicating at all recently and it’s really made me upset. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t look at me. It’s as if I don’t exist. Wonder if that is what he wants…me to just disappear. He will only communicate with me via technology. By text or by email. Does he hate me that much? Do we really have that much anger towards each other that we cannot even have a conversation. Cant even say hello when he drops her off. Makes me feel like a failure. How did we get to this point? We are both to blame, but here I am stressing about it…and I’m sure he could care less. Here I am crying at work because I cant even talk to the man that is the Father of my child. He has no idea how much he affects me. I guess we can’t be friends, guess that is too much to ask for. But I cannot just turn off my emotions. I’m a dangerously sensitive woman, and this situation, watching it fall apart right in front of me, is tearing me apart. Gosh, I feel so weak at times. So vulnerable. Come on Alex!! Toughen up!! Where is that armor of steel? Where is that don’t-mess-with-me attitude? Why with him, do I completely crumble?? I’m on an emotional rollercoaster with him…and we’re not even together. And he doesn’t even realize it. I’m not one of those co-parents that can curse him and talk a whole lot of ish about him and brush it all off. I cant do that, but man how I wish I could. In a way I feel trapped. Trapped in my emotions, in my thoughts. I cant escape them. I cant escape the want to go to him and tell him what is bothering me, to have him comfort me. For our daughter to hug us both, at the same time. 9:45, back to work I go, hoping these thoughts cease and I can get through my day. Fake smile is ready…gotta fake it till I make it.
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