Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’

The Rain Won’t Last: Picking Yourself Up When You Feel Broken #loveurself

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I’ve been the skilled captain of my own seemingly sinking ship for as long as I can remember. Expertly navigating through one storm after another without completely falling apart, but taking in more water than I’d like, moving slower and growing more tired. I’ve felt like life was a storm I could never pass – that I was forever stuck under a dark cloud feeling like happiness was only found in the movies or for people who deserved it. I didn’t think I deserved it; I was too broken, too fucked up. I thought my daughter’s smile and free spirit could save me from drowning under my mistakes and ridiculously high expectations of myself. I had to be great, amazing even, and I wasn’t living up to the woman I wanted to be, and therefore I was a failure. A complete failure, stuck in the rain.

My whole life I’ve been resilient, I don’t think I’ve had an option to be any different. I’ve had to be a strong and independent woman often without a tribe to lean on during my darkest days. I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mother and my estranged father passed away a month ago bringing to light many childhood feelings I’ve worked so hard to store away. I’ve struggled knowing my worth and thinking I could achieve anything worthwhile, trying hard to define success for myself as a woman and a mother. Guilty that my role as a mother just wasn’t enough to fulfill and nourish my soul. As I’ve gone through one storm after the next I’ve repeatedly asked myself: what will I become? What will I become? I’m often too scared to make a change and have tiptoed around my life worried I was just going to make more of a mess of everything.

All of this doubt and fear has left me emotionally drained and socially isolated wanting nothing more than to put a do-not-disturb sign on my door and lay in bed. Still. Hoping if I did so life would be OK and I’d dodge another storm. Worried if I faced another storm I wouldn’t survive.

I’ve tried hard to cover up my unhappiness with an empty smile and simple conversation. I’m the Queen of deflection. But last Friday someone saw through the façade and saw I was hurting more than I was able to process. I felt exposed, I felt naked. But more than anything I felt relieved. Holding all these emotions in has consumed me, and I was finally able to breathe and be OK with knowing that I’m not OK right now, that I need help. And that started me becoming truthful to myself and those closest to me. I was so afraid to be anything less than stellar, but in the process I was killing myself.

I’ve spent entirely way too much time beating myself up over decisions I should have made and mistakes I regret, telling myself that my life wasn’t going to change. I wasn’t worth it. No wonder I wasn’t on my way to finding happiness, I was literally talking myself out of it. In the midst of the rain I was crying and not moving, sure that nothing good was going to come.

The first step in feeling better and moving forward is being honest with yourself. This often means acknowledging you need help and that you aren’t OK. As someone who has suffered from depression I know it’s easy to sit back and let your emotions consume you. But this isn’t the legacy I want to leave for myself or my daughter. I know happiness isn’t something that is going to happen overnight and I have to learn to accept that there will be more storms, but I will overcome. I have come so far already to give up now. But I can’t go along this journey alone so I’m seeking out help to be a better person, to me. I owe myself that much.

So let the rain fall, accept it’s time in your life. But sail forward. You’re worth it.

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Loving My Mother Though The Hurt

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I have always been slightly confused and jealous of friends who have functional relationships with their parents. I grew up without my father around and watched a severely depressed woman raise four children in fear. Her children were supposed to obey her and be polite. Over and over in my childhood I heard people tell my mother how well behaved her children were because we used our manners, didn’t talk loud and called our Mother ‘ma’am.’ We were the kids on the block that were called inside before it got dark and were always put together. We were beat with a belt or fists when we did something that she didn’t approve of…like the time I asked a friend’s mom at school for money for an ice cream. First she flung me across the room, then she made me return the money. All my mother wanted to do was be a mom, one would think she would have showered her kids with love – I would have grown up a different woman if that was the case.

I wish the memories I had as a child were ones that included our family going to the park, doing arts and crafts together or in the kitchen baking. Didn’t you have a good childhood? my friends and daughter ask. Did I? What I remember is my mother giving me my first bloody nose. I remember her leaving me a birthday gift on my bed and telling me she was at her boyfriend’s house. I remember her being at her boyfriend’s house. I remember a quiet empty house. I remember being alone in a suburban town and feeling like an outsider. I never did discuss with my mother how I felt, how sad I was growing up because in our house we didn’t talk about our feelings. It’s no wonder I have such communication issues in my love life.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised that she got annoyed when I asked her to drive me and my two-day-old daughter home from the hospital nine years ago. I shouldn’t have been surprised that as soon as I laid my newborn daughter in her crib I heard the front door slam, her truck start and zoom off to her boyfriend’s house. I shouldn’t have been surprised that the first night at home with my daughter my mother decided to be at her boyfriend’s house.

Read the rest of “Loving My Mother Though The Hurt” over on The Young Mommy Life.



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Listen To Your Mother Boston: I’m A Castmember!

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I’m a storyteller. I share painful and honest stories about my experiences, my fears, my mistakes and anything and everything in between on my blog. Opening myself up through writing over the past five years has provided me with an insight into myself I didn’t have before. It’s too easy for me to focus on the negatives in a situation – but through my blogging I’ve been able to work through those negatives, put them into perspective and try to come to peace with them. I write to heal, not because I’m broken, but because I want to grow and become a better woman for myself and better mother to my daughter.

When I heard about the Listen To Your Mother show come to Boston I was initially intrigued, share your story about motherhood? That’s what I do ALL the time on my blog and social media sites!! After the initial excitement wore off fear kicked in. I’m behind a computer screen pouring my heart out, not in front of a live auction. I was immediately worried my story wouldn’t be valid. That there wouldn’t be a place for me among the cast – that I was too different. I was scared of failure and worried I wouldn’t be able to deliver.

But sometimes you just gotta take a leap. You gotta get uncomfortable to grow.

So I auditioned.

And I was cast in the show.

When I walked into our first rehearsal this past Saturday I was beyond nervous. I was scared. Worried I wasn’t good enough. Why do I ALWAYS feel this way?! As we sat in the circle and began sharing our stories of motherhood a bond was created – no story mirrored my own but I found a piece of myself in every story that was shared, and I realized there is so much more that unites us then what separates us. I of course, cried my eyes out sharing my uncertainty on being a teen parent. What I didn’t know was someone else in that circle, Julie of Sober Mommies, was also a teen parent, had experienced many of the feelings of guilt and shame as I did when I found out I was pregnant. I walked in that rehearsal scared, and walked out with a renewed sense of confidence in myself and my experience and a new friend. I got so much more than I had bargained for, and while I’m scared to share my story to an audience of 500 in April, I know that they will hold me and support my experience.

Meet the cast:

If you are in town and want to hear an amazing group of women ‘give motherhood a microphone’ I’d love to see you on April 26 at 2:00pm at the Old South Church in Boston. Tickets are only $15 until March 15 and after that they are $20 and can be purchased by clicking here. I assure you – it’s a show you don’t want to miss…and I’d love to see a familiar face or two in the crowd!

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Weekend Wrap-up: Mother’s Day Done Right

Instead of sleeping in late and being served breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day we got up early and headed down to Rowe’s Wharf in Boston for a Mother’s Day Cruise! Many thanks to Quirky Fusion!

I’m not one to celebrate Mother’s Day, my daughter and I always lay low which we have always loved, but we were given the opportunity to board the Odyssey and enjoy brunch, weather, and family. It was the perfect start to Mother’s Day even though we were all tired. They served both breakfast & lunch, with a complimentary glass of mimosas for the adults :) My daughter was in awe of the chocolate fountain and she couldn’t stop covering all of her food in chocolate. We weren’t on the boat more than 10 minutes when chocolate found its way on her white dress…and hair. Kids!! Lol.

I really appreciated how kid friendly the cruise was; there was an ice cream sundae bar, live music, a clown, and an amazing balloon maker who was making amazing creations! My daughter opted for a puppy on her wrist! Exiting the ship I felt like I was on the red carpet haha. The boat crew were lined up handing out flowers to moms AND chocolate covered strawberries!!

After the relaxing cruise we strolled along the wharf and enjoyed the beautiful Boston weather and skyline. After the rough couple of weeks I’ve had it was great to s-l-o-w down try something new and laugh and dance with my daughter.

How did you enjoy your weekend?



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Maya Angelou on Getting Older

Every Friday I try to post one of my favorite quotes that I find inspiration from. I love featuring the one and only Maya Angelou. I cannot get enough of her or her writings. In today’s favorite quote friday she was asked about growing older and this was her response:

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better…eventually.
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.
I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Can I get an AMEN!! I swear she can see into my soul! Every time I read something of Maya Angelou’s I get goosebumps. Her writing is so pure, so honest, so truthful. I hope to one day be able to be as reflective and wise as this phenomenal woman. What have you learned thus far in your life about growing older? I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try to protect your heart, it will break.

Happy Friday :)



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