I was over reading The Young Mommy Life’s most recent post, Love Letter to my 2 year old. Tara wrote a letter to her soon to be 2 year old son, and it really touched me and is the inspiration for this post.
My daughter will be 5 at the end of next month (where in the world did time go??) when she was first born I didn’t work and had time to write in my journal about motherhood and update her baby book and work on her scrapbook. But as time went on I went back to work, and if that wasn’t enough I went back to school full-time. So now I work full-time, am a full-time student, and a single mom. So needless to say my schedule is a bit packed and I hardly have time to breathe most days. But Tara’s post made me think about that journal that I wrote in.
My daughter turning 5 next month is a big landmark for me. For us. A few days after her 5th birthday I’ll be celebrating (dreading) my 25th birthday. I think back to 2:11pm on September 22nd, 2005 when I saw my surprisingly pale daughter for the first time. I thought she’d be a baby forever. And when she became a toddler I thought she’d be a toddler forever. And now as we prepare for her to start Kindergarten in just weeks, I cannot not believe that my baby girl has grown up so fast.
I don’t want to forget about the little things she says and the funny things she does. These moments are so precious and priceless and I want to be able to remember them and share them with her when she is older.
So I’ve decided I want to journal about motherhood, a diary for my daughter when she gets older. I can track my thoughts and feelings as she continues to grow and learn and explore. I should have started this when she was a baby, but better late than never.
I never wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. My image of one was of a high strung woman with rollers in her hair, wearing flip flops, sweatpants and a wife beater, carrying around a baby on her hip going off at her child’s father (where that image came from…I have no idea). So obviously my association of a baby’s mama was a negative one. It assumed the parents did not get along and fighting was their language. The child as a result was the one who suffered.
Again, I repeat, I never ever ever wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. I grew up with just my Mother in the house (thank you mom) and I really appreciate that she never forced me on my….well the guy who is…I don’t consider him part of my family at all, so we’ll call him X. I learned through the years of trying to reach out to him consistently that he couldn’t care less about what I was going through, about what my dress was like for Prom, or the first guy to break my heart, or what College I was applying too, heck that I was even applying to College. I tried so hard for so long for X to acknowledge my existence and take an interest in me, I mean I was his daughter, right?…right? I guess not.
I never really thought I’d have kids (before I found out I was pregnant), but once I had a child of my own the thought of being a single parent of being a ‘baby’s mama’ never crossed my mind even though my daughter’s father and I didn’t have a solid relationship. We tried to make it work, and it ran smoothly for awhile, but went ka-put right in front of my eyes. And I gotta tell ya, even though I’ve been a ‘baby’s mama’ for about 2 ish years I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. There’s a slight pain in my heart when someone asks if my daughter’s father and I are still together, they hear the no, then give me the ooohh then their eyes graze the floor. That together with my race and age and I sometimes feel like people assume of course you wouldn’t be with your kids dad…just another stereotype. And I know I shouldn’t care what anyone says…but I can’t help but want to say yes I’m with my daughters father, we are a family. But I cannot tell a lie.
But you know what…I’m not a baby’s mama, my name is Alex, excuse me, my name is Alexandra and yes my daughter’s father and I are separated, but we are both involved in our daughter’s life and both love her little dancing self to pieces. I sometimes find myself slipping up though; I get a bit flippant and high strung with him sometimes (that’s normal right?)…but you won’t catch me with rollers in my hair
In your experience do baby’s mamas get a bad rap? If so, how come?
Welcome to Alexandra Elizabeth, A Single Mom’s Journey! I’m a Boston single mom to a sparkling 8 year old daughter working fulltime and trying to find ways to inject more calm into my hectic life. I give a candid view of motherhood, single parenting, coparenting, culture product reviews & more. Motivated by a life rich in unpredictability and countless opportunities I’m excited to share the beautiful and dirty moments of being a single mom. Contact: alexandra (at) alexandra-elizabeth (dot)(com).