Mommy: I have a Baby Sister

I’ve always had high expectations of myself. Being where I’m at has never been good enough. I’m insatiable. Perfectionist? No. Over achiever? Gosh yes. These expectations drastically increased once I became someone’s Mom. Increased again once I became a solo parent. I am still trying to understand my place as a single mother, co-parenting with someone I once loved. He and I were such an unexpected match, a beautiful disaster if you will. I craved him. And now, being in his presence embarrasses me. You live and you learn and you love and you fall out of love. But, when a child is created from that once blissful warm union things tend to get tricky…dangerous even.

I have no intention of being a nasty coparent, though I do admit that I am a ferocious emotional creature. This is who I am and I’ve accepted it and am working on reigning in my emotions. Motherhood has been nothing but an adventure that I’ve gladly strapped myself in for, lifted my hands in the air, and enjoyed. Co-parenting on the other hand…I greatly dislike it. It tends to bring out the worst in me (my fault), nothing nothing nothing could prepare me for what occurred early this year when my daughter came home and told me she had a baby sister.

Lil Mama: Mommy I have a baby sister.

Me: What? No you don’t, I’m not pregnant!

Lil Mama: No Mommy, Daddy has a baby. I have a baby sister.

Me: Whaatt? No, no, he doesn’t have another baby silly.

Lil Mama: Yes, yes he does, I met her!

Me: (silence)

I…I…broke down. Drowning, I felt I was drowning, gulping down mouthfuls of water. I was not prepared. I have not been able to stomach talking with my daughter about this new addition to her father’s family. Perhaps it’s because he and I are going head to head, perhaps it’s because I don’t want to accept it. This is someone I was in love with, shared a bed with, created a child with. Perhaps I’m not woman enough to get over my bitterness. But I am woman enough to admit I don’t know how to handle this situation. When she brings up this baby I am either silent or change the topic quick, fast, and in a hurry.

Digging deeper I think I’m trying to protect my daughter and myself. I’m not being selfish, but this isn’t just about my daughter, it’s about me as well. Because I am the one who once again has to clean up the mess. I have to answer the questions she asks. This new addition was sprung on her, no conversations were had, and I’m livid he wasn’t man enough to inform me so I could talk with her about it. I think a lot about what her views on her Father are, and men in general. I DON’T want her to think that his behavior is the norm – that this is what men are all about. But, how can I make her think any different when she adores him?

How can I protect her from men like her own Father?



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23 Responses to “Mommy: I have a Baby Sister”

Sili says:

Wow. You have said so much here. I don’t think I have an answer for you except to say that perhaps a conversation needs to be had with him in order that he can sit down and explain things to her since he didn’t make you privy to the situation.

That last sentence? Hmmm…I don’t know if you can because that would mean that he wouldn’t be in her life. We can’t do it all, can’t shelter all (though Lord knows we want to). I think the best we can do is lead by example. Show our girls that they are worthy of the treatment that we hold as standard but also associate with people (men) that love and respect us. Leading by example is the only way that I think we can break the cycle. And that’s difficult because as much as we’d do anything for them, a lot of times we settle for something less than what we deserve and we can’t do that any longer. Does that make sense?

admin says:

I would love to talk with hi Sili but he and I don’t mix. At all. It’s fire and fire. We’re tied. So it’s me solo navigating how to process this all. You are right I have to lead by example, that is the answer, I have to show her is ok to love this new addition in her father’s life, I have to get over my feelings for her.

Yadira says:

I am as speechless as you probably were when your daughter said that to you. It is bad when people have secrets and this one is huge. My recommendation is after you have ‘THE TALK” with your husband to go to teraphy and try to figure things out.
This will change your lives forever and you might need an extra help on how to handle it.
I will pray for your family.

admin says:

It would be helpful to have a neutral space to talk about our concerns – that would be great if we didn’t have such a hostile coparenting relationship. I def need help on how to process this all and how to approach talking with my daughter, and it’s one of the reasons I made this post! Thanks for your support.

Future Esq says:

Try as we might, we are not capable of protecting our children from anything. Heck, we cant protect ourselves. However we can add armour or a padding of acceptance,discipline,spirituality. Honestly, the baby situation is more pressing to you than her. Think about it, our kids love kids. The day has come where the man you loved has shared this love with some one and to the years to come, someones. One day you will too. The best parent is a happy parent, be it one or two. The family model has changed. Good luck to you and I appreciate your honesty and candor!

admin says:

You are right, we cannot protect our children from everything, but I should be confident in the fact that I’ve raised her to be a smart capable person, able to see right from wrong and good from bad. Happiness, is what I search for, especially in this coparenting relationship. Will we ever get there? Not sure, but I have to make a sincere effort to do so. Thank you :)

My dear sweet friend, I feel your pain completely as I went through a similar situation. It is hard, no doubt, but you will overcome this. Why? Because your love for your daughter far exceeds your anger or the feelings of betrayal that you feel towards your ex. By forgiving, not because he deserves it, but because you and your daughter do, you open your world to so much more. Grace is sufficient. I know, I have been there. *Big hug*

admin says:

Thanks Migdalia – it’s terrible we have to go through this pain, but I guess noone told us this single parenting thing would be easy. You are so right my love for her outshines my annoyance with him and this situation. Forgiveness is sooo hard for me, but so necessary especially in this situation. Thank :)

Jai says:

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It’s horrible that he did not prepare his own daughter to the new addition and I can’t believe that the mother of his newborn didn’t think of that either. I say as always, do what is best for your daughter and maybe in this situation follow her lead. At the very least make a big deal about how she is a big sister now. When she gets older I’m sure the questions will get more complex. Take it one day at a time.

admin says:

Thanks Jai, it sucks and I wish he’d done a better job at being a more responsible parent, but he didn’t and I’ve gotta accept what is and figure out how to navigate the murky waters ahead. I’ve got to swallow my fear and worry and put a smile on my face and encourage my little girl to tell me about her sister – even if I’m crying inside.

nicole says:

My heart goes out to you as you navigate these tricky waters. Really, truly ‘can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions that you must be feeling.

Aloha,
Following ya now from Make My Morning and hopin’ that in just the teensiest tinsiest way this little follow makes your Monday just a bit sweeter. =)
If you’re up for a bit of a ride I’d love it if you’d join us at localsugarhawaii.com where we’re riding the wave of life one little adventure at a time.

xo,
Nicole
localsugarhawaii.com

admin says:

Thanks Nicole, appreciate your visit and kind words.

Maria Amelia says:

I think that the answer to your question “How can I protect her from men like her own Father?” is you. You, your love and the example you set for your daughter are exactly what will help her make good decisions in life. We have all made mistakes in life, but it is the grounding that you give her, the love that you give her, and the education that you give her that will help her find her way on a safe path even if she trips. You are a wonderful mother and woman. Give yourself a little TLC for a bit. You’ll prevail over this news.

admin says:

Thanks Maria :) Totally right, I am not helpless like I think I am in this process. I am the key, I can and will protect her from his inconsistency and immaturity. For awhile I got pissed I had to do so, but this is how the cards have been dealt and she is the most important person to me, so I will protect her at all costs.

Oh gees, I can feel your sadness and anger in these words. I wish I could tell you what to say but I believe only you will know when and how to talk about this with her. Have strength Mama.

admin says:

Def is alot of sadness, but since writing I feel a lightness. I was able to get these words off of my chest, be supported, and reassured that it will be ok and this won’t mess up my daughter for life. Trying to have strength. Thanks for your words :)

Eek, Alex! Sending you a big, big hug! This has GOT to be hard. I went through something somewhat similar when I found out that Aiden’s other parent was having another baby… only it was a bit different in that he had the baby while we were still together. Le sigh.

It might hurt now, and even in the future, but eventually you’ll get through it and you’ll be able to talk about it with lil mama. You’ll use this pain to fuel something greater in you and in your daughter. You’ll forgive and free your heart b/c you guys both deserve it. And you might even be able to smile about it and talk about it with her. It takes time, though….

admin says:

Thanks Alicia, I can’t believe what happened to you…no words. But, I’m so glad to see how you and Aiden are thriving without him around. What you’ve created for yourself and A is amazing!
You’re right eventually I will get through it, and the pain and confusion and speechlessness won’t last forever. She is a smart girl she’s already figuring things out. Totally right about using the pain to fuel something greater, thought that something greater would be running, buuut gonna have to switch it up to dancing.
Thanks so much for your support.

YUMMommy says:

I think the best way you can protect her and show her that this is not the right behavior is by surrounding her with positive male role models so that she can recognize the difference. And I know that it’s hard for you right now but just talking about the situation will help. Maybe, you two and go talk with a pastor or something because the issue does need to be addressed. She might appear to be ok with having a baby sister but probably has a million questions about why it was sprung on her.

admin says:

Thanks Kerry you are right, I’m her teacher, I’m who she looks too for comfort and support. She def has alot of questions and I hear her confusion, which makes things difficult, we may go talk with someone. But it’s important that she know she can always talk to me.

Cheri' says:

Is he with the new baby’s mom? That may prove more problematic to explain if he’s not. The fact is though, if he is like that and not willing to discuss those things, it will never happen. I personally would not further the discussion with her, unless she asks specific questions.

Rachel says:

I’m so sorry to hear this Alexandra. Stay strong! I think you are doing an amazing job! You are an inspiration to all of us mothers. XO Big Hugs!

admin says:

Thanks for your support Rachel, I appreciate it.

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