Loving My Mother Though The Hurt

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I have always been slightly confused and jealous of friends who have functional relationships with their parents. I grew up without my father around and watched a severely depressed woman raise four children in fear. Her children were supposed to obey her and be polite. Over and over in my childhood I heard people tell my mother how well behaved her children were because we used our manners, didn’t talk loud and called our Mother ‘ma’am.’ We were the kids on the block that were called inside before it got dark and were always put together. We were beat with a belt or fists when we did something that she didn’t approve of…like the time I asked a friend’s mom at school for money for an ice cream. First she flung me across the room, then she made me return the money. All my mother wanted to do was be a mom, one would think she would have showered her kids with love – I would have grown up a different woman if that was the case.

I wish the memories I had as a child were ones that included our family going to the park, doing arts and crafts together or in the kitchen baking. Didn’t you have a good childhood? my friends and daughter ask. Did I? What I remember is my mother giving me my first bloody nose. I remember her leaving me a birthday gift on my bed and telling me she was at her boyfriend’s house. I remember her being at her boyfriend’s house. I remember a quiet empty house. I remember being alone in a suburban town and feeling like an outsider. I never did discuss with my mother how I felt, how sad I was growing up because in our house we didn’t talk about our feelings. It’s no wonder I have such communication issues in my love life.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised that she got annoyed when I asked her to drive me and my two-day-old daughter home from the hospital nine years ago. I shouldn’t have been surprised that as soon as I laid my newborn daughter in her crib I heard the front door slam, her truck start and zoom off to her boyfriend’s house. I shouldn’t have been surprised that the first night at home with my daughter my mother decided to be at her boyfriend’s house.

Read the rest of “Loving My Mother Though The Hurt” over on The Young Mommy Life.

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7 Responses to “Loving My Mother Though The Hurt”

Sili says:

Oh sweetie! I’m sorry and sad that you had to go through this. But I know that you are ending the cycle with you. That you will give your daughter the childhood you did not have and by extension, ensuring her children and her children’s children do not suffer that which you have endured.

We don’t always get what we need from the ones we want but I know that God, in turn, puts others to provide that need for us. Just stay open to the possibilities and know that you are loved with a mother’s heart even if it’s not your own.

oxoxox

admin says:

Great way to view my non-ideal childhood – that I’m breaking the cycle and never will my daughter ever feel neglected or unappreciated. I am pulled in a million directions as a fulltime working mom, mom, friend, and blogger but my daughter will forever be my #1 priority and she knows that, not because I tell her every 5 minutes but because I SHOW her. I am there for her emotionally, I’m present, and she feels that.

Sharon says:

I can sort of relate to your feeling. I, however did grow up with an exceptional father, he was all a little girl can dream of, but it has been my mother, who is the non-emotional human being. I still look for her love and attention and I am in my late 30′s.
It’s comforting to know that there are other women out there, as myself, single mother with a daughter, who missed out on their mother’s special bond. I know my mom does her best in her awkward way but instead would like a loving way.
I love and respect her but I know to never to be that way with my daughter.
And here we are, loving, caring and cherishing our little princesses!
Let’s continue to grow!

admin says:

Let’s absolutely continue to grow! You are lucky to have had one parent who was emotionally present for you. It’s not fair for a child to have to try to impress their mother like I did just so she would SEE me. I shouldn’t have had to do that, she shouldn’t have put in in that position. Just like you I love my mother, though not sure I respect her and how she treated us.

I’m so sorry that these are the memories that you have of your childhood. Unfortunately, I have not so good memories of my childhood as well. I wonder, as a I get older, if we should feel sorry for our parents because they didn’t know any better. Than I look at my own children and the anger rises when I realize that they had a chance to be better parents but chose their own path. I think the only thing we can do is to break the cycle and to make sure that our children don’t feel the same way about us when they grow up. Sending you a big hug.

admin says:

Thank you Maria. My rage towards her has definitely turned to feeling sorry for her that she was and is so depressed and unhappy and can’t support her four children. I am only a mother to one child, and cannot being a single parent to four kids. I can’t imagine. But love – loving your children, wouldn’t that be the easiest for you to do in the absence of wealth and support? Sigh. You live and you learn and I’ve sure learned alot being her daughter.

[…] woman often without a tribe to lean on during my darkest days. I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mother and my estranged father passed away a month ago bringing to light many childhood feelings I’ve […]

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