Learning to Love Yourself While Battling Depression #DayofLight

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The #DayofLight: Bringing Depression Out of the Dark is a movement aimed at bringing awareness to depression. Today those who have struggled with depression share their experiences and resources and stand together.

This is my story:

I can’t remember how old I was, maybe 7, when I witnessed my mother’s depression suffocate her.

I was only able to glance into her room, her brown body still in the bed, before the ambulance came. Though she survived, we never talked about what happened that day, but I knew. As the youngest of four I was often shielded from the dark realities of my single mother’s struggle to survive and her battles with depression. At that young of an age I didn’t understand why she acted the way she did – why she was cold, mean, unable to show me deep affection, why she prioritized her boyfriend over her children. And I realize now that my own battle with depression began through witnessing my mother’s struggle.

I didn’t need a medical provider to tell me that what I was feeling was more than an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I knew that the feelings that were taking over me were much deeper and scarier than just being sad.

Growing up we didn’t discuss feelings. My mother’s goal was to raise strong independent black children. We would grow up and soar and fly without needing help – without showing fear. When we didn’t act accordingly, there were severe consequences. So when these dark feelings grew within me, I acted as I was taught. I hid them, concealed them, kept moving forward with a smile on my face. Because showing any kind of weakness, especially as a black woman was unacceptable.

So I moved forward, on the outside a shining image of a strong single mother, helpful, attentive, outgoing, and happy. I gave all that I had to making other people happy that I had nothing left for myself. When I’d get home and peel off that mask, and looked at myself in the mirror I hated who I saw staring back at me. She was weak. She was fragile. She was suffering. She was fat. She was ugly. She couldn’t do anything right. I mean who would get pregnant at 19 with someone who didn’t even love her? Who would seek out men’s affection because she had never felt real love from her parents? Who would consider self-harm as an answer? Someone weak.

I hid my depression and later my anxiety attacks from everyone. No one knew that I was leading a double life. I couldn’t let the truth escape because I didn’t want to show how vulnerable and scared I was. I didn’t want people to think I was a basket case. I wanted people to believe that I was fine, that everything was just great. That that smile I wore during the day carried on at home. I had to conceal the truth. No one could know that I would sometimes spend weekends in bed crying thinking about death. No one could know that I’d drink myself into a stupor just so I could stop feeling so damn much. No one could know that I didn’t find pleasure in anything anymore. No one could know that I thought I’d be better off not being here.

Read the rest of “Learning to Love Yourself While Battling Depression #DayofLight” over on The Young Mommy Life.



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12 Responses to “Learning to Love Yourself While Battling Depression #DayofLight”

Sili says:

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad that you are opening up about this. Know that you are not alone and more importantly, that everything will be okay!

oxoxox

Kate says:

So glad you shared your story! Dealing with depression does not mean you aren’t a strong woman. Even sharing these words says otherwise!

Brandi says:

Gosh, this is so hard. And, you know, there’s already the stigma of being a single mom. Add to that the challenge of being a single parent when you’re depressed…it can be the toughest thing ever to get through. Thank you for sharing your story, Alexandra. Headed over to YML to read the rest.

Eileen says:

Brave woman —love your realness and I am happy that you are speaking up. You will help others by doing this—this is having strength my friend.
Love yah lots.
xoxoxox

Cara says:

Thank you for sharing this in a public forum. Thank you for sharing this. You’re not alone in those feelings. I battle it everyday, but day by day i’ll make it, we’ll make it.

You’re brave and strong…and a great writer, to boot! Big hugs to you.

Heading over now…. Whew girl…

So grateful to you for sharing. Just know that you’re not alone. We all have a story and glad that you are brave enough to share it. (((((Hugs)))))

Michelle Liodge says:

I’m very proud of you. You are a blessing to many. Thank you for sharing your story!

I. Heart. You. You are an incredible woman, Mom and advocate. Don’t ever, ever doubt it.

Such a touching post! Depression is something else. I’ve battled it a few times myself and it can really take its toll on you and those around you, but finding the strength and courage to love yourself is definitely when the healing begins! Thanks for sharing.

[…] Alexandra Elizabeth shared a powerful post about her depression for the Day of Light this Wednesday. If you want to read other posts for the movement bringing awareness to depression, search #dayoflight. […]

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