I’ve begun this post a dozen times. Each time all I was able to convey was negativity and loss (which I experienced a ton in 2015). Determined to share more than just the bad stuff I’d immediately erase what I’d written and stare blankly at my computer screen. So here I am. Again.
Over the past year and especially the past four months I have been forced to lay my burden down and see through the years of hurt and pain that I’d tried so hard to lock away. Hurt from my mother’s neglect, my father’s absence, my daughter’s father’s inconsistency, a dysfunctional family, and my flaring anxiety and depression. Years and years of unresolved shit that I chose not to work through. Biggest mistake ever. The stress mounted over the years and manifested into OCD, insomnia, extreme irritability and climaxed this fall when my soul just couldn’t carry the load anymore. I understandably cracked under the pressure I put on myself. In August and September all hell broke loose. I lost it. I took a leave of work as a result of the stress taking a toll on my vision and was diagnosed with swollen optic nerves -and- retina fluid and scarring along with an official diagnosis of extreme anxiety, depression and PTSD. I haven’t been able to see clearly since the middle of August and the countless Doctors I’ve seen since then don’t think it’s likely my vision will fully correct itself – even with painful eye injections and medication.
You can imagine that raging anxiety coupled with depression and vision issues didn’t make for a good combination. I spent most days for a solid month in my bed with my covers drawn up to my chin unable to help myself. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to help my daughter with her homework. I didn’t want to cook dinner. I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t want to see friends. It was one of the lowest points of my life – I had no fight left in me. It was the first time I tasted defeat and it was awful.
It was as if I was living someone else’s life. See, I always thought I was destined for greatness. That there was a special spark lodged deep inside that carried me through the low points in life shielding me. Giving me endless strength. When I lost hope I was unable to see that light because I made a choice to only see the darkness and hurt. It clouded my judgement and I became lost in my own unproductive thoughts. I felt so alone. If I wanted to survive…if I wanted to thrive I had no choice but to lay some of my burdens down. And so I did.
Come back tomorrow for Part Two of today’s post! 🙂