And it is as if I am unknown…to myself. In an instant I remember her. Gracefully progressing. With the smooth delivery of her words she inspires. Her sturdy smile a perfect complement to the sparkle in her eye, she exudes strength with incredible ease. She’s a warrior, a solider. Unwilling to be shackled, she looks to her past with warmth and acceptance. Forgiveness and fairness she lives by every day.
I can see her. I extend my arms to her. I reach. And reach. But am unable to feel the cool touch of her upon my fingertips.
She is me. I am her. Though she is trapped within me, urging, fighting, screaming to live.
I must give it up to myself; I have the most amazing way of throwing myself in a corner, unwilling to accept anything other than one specific ideal. My thought process allows for only one way, there are no options. I’ve morphed into someone unfamiliar these past few months, which have me wondering, searching for the beauty I once possessed. A beauty seen in my face, heard in my laughter.
There is nothing fiercer than being at odds with yourself. To go about your day on shaky ground, second guessing you’re every move, constantly anxious and fearful. Waking up in the middle of the night scared, worried.
I have been tested, I have been defeated. And again with some unknown reserve of endurance I lift myself up. Will I break? Is it just a matter of when? Give yourself a break… You’re doing a great job… they say, but in one ear out the other it goes. Means nothing if I cannot accept these words as fact.
This blog, these words, are my thoughts in its purest most organic form. As I have said before I write to heal – to understand the many swirling thoughts in my head. To better understand why this 26 year old single mom, college grad, independent working Mom can’t give herself a damn break already. To understand why the hell I create these ridiculous expectations of myself. To understand why I feel like I am going to crumble and b r e a k.