Archive for the ‘Single Mom’ Category

I. Shall. Not. Break.

Alexandra’s ramblings…

And it is as if I am unknown…to myself. In an instant I remember her. Gracefully progressing. With the smooth delivery of her words she inspires. Her sturdy smile a perfect complement to the sparkle in her eye, she exudes strength with incredible ease. She’s a warrior, a solider. Unwilling to be shackled, she looks to her past with warmth and acceptance. Forgiveness and fairness she lives by every day.

I can see her. I extend my arms to her. I reach. And reach. But am unable to feel the cool touch of her upon my fingertips.

She is me. I am her. Though she is trapped within me, urging, fighting, screaming to live.

I must give it up to myself; I have the most amazing way of throwing myself in a corner, unwilling to accept anything other than one specific ideal. My thought process allows for only one way, there are no options. I’ve morphed into someone unfamiliar these past few months, which have me wondering, searching for the beauty I once possessed. A beauty seen in my face, heard in my laughter.

There is nothing fiercer than being at odds with yourself. To go about your day on shaky ground, second guessing you’re every move, constantly anxious and fearful. Waking up in the middle of the night scared, worried.

I have been tested, I have been defeated. And again with some unknown reserve of endurance I lift myself up. Will I break? Is it just a matter of when? Give yourself a break… You’re doing a great job… they say, but in one ear out the other it goes. Means nothing if I cannot accept these words as fact.

This blog, these words, are my thoughts in its purest most organic form. As I have said before I write to heal – to understand the many swirling thoughts in my head. To better understand why this 26 year old single mom, college grad, independent working Mom can’t give herself a damn break already. To understand why the hell I create these ridiculous expectations of myself. To understand why I feel like I am going to crumble and b r e  a   k.



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Surviving

I was so excited to launch the new blog and post some new kick-a** content and then BOOM life got real. In a matter of a week I somehow worked 70 hours, helped pull off a 360 gala at a swanky hotel, and went through some medical ish that had me in the hospital for 7 hours the night/morning before my huge event. I only got 1.5 hours of sleep that night *gulp*. Don’t ask me how I did it; don’t ask me how I survived. I felt terribly guilty working so much and had to rely on family and friends to help with my daughter, who missed me and wondered when I was going to be home.

I was thisclose to walking out of work many days last week, the pressure and stress got to me. I wasn’t able to think straight or be creative. Thursday night I got home a little after midnight from my gala event, I checked in on my daughter snoring loudly, went back into the kitchen and wept in my boyfriend’s arms. I didn’t say surviving was easy. I try so so hard to hold it all together, but last week proved that there are cracks in my armor…and that’s ok. I have to cut myself some slack, we’ve all got to give ourselves more credit for all that we do, and how hard we grind for ourselves and our families.

Life is still a ball of crazy but I’m able to see better this week, and I’m taking it slower, cutting myself some slack, and patting myself on the back. Somehow, someway I get up every morning and put my best foot forward as a mother, woman, and employee.

Shoot, I’m doing better than surviving. I’m living.



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What’s been keeping me up at night

Well aside from my insomnia and sleep apnea….coparenting. Yes another post on coparenting from me. Co-parenting has always been something I have struggled with being a single parent. This past year has been an incredibly tough year for me and my co-parent and his relationship with our daughter. Our daughter is old enough now where she is severely affected when he is not around when he says he is going to be. Watching my daughter’s big brown eyes peer out the window waiting impatiently for her Dad, and him never showing up has shattered my heart into pieces. His previous absence and inconsistency really affected her, and as her Mother, I of course want to protect her and don’t want to see her hurting. 

I wrote a post titled What Scares Me About Co-Parenting, it was a very honest post about my concerns with this our usually dysfunctional co-parenting relationship. From the post: I am afraid that my daughter will grow up not trusting men. I fear every time she asks where her Daddy is.I fear that our daughter will resent me because I’m the tough parent and he’s the fun parent (when he’s around). I fear that she will grow up to be me. A worried child who felt like her Daddy didn’t love her. Because if he did he would surely want to spend time with me. He’d want to come around on birthdays, at my high school graduation, at the birth of my child. 

I’m glad I’m taking the time to be mindful of all these issues, but at the end of the day, she has me, and if I can say so, she’s pretty damn lucky to have such a passionate and loving mother. I can’t change her father; all I can do is keep the line of communication open with our daughter so she’s comfortable enough to have conversations about how she’s feeling. And we’ve had a few so far, they haven’t been easy for me, but they are important to have. It’s important to respect her feelings. This situation is difficult for her as well, and she needs to be able to have a voice. So while all these worries consume me at night, when I peek in her room and see her peacefully sleeping tangled between her favorite pillows, one foot hanging off the bed and snoring, I take a small comfort in knowing that I’m enough. 


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Wordless Wednesday

Me and my baby when she was 6 months old :)


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What we can learn from the Grinch

“And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

 

My daughter and I have already watched the Grinch (the original & Jim Carrey’s version) about six or seven times already this December. I think there is much to be learned from the Grinch’s story and Cindy Loo Hoo, who despite the community’s fear and disgust with the Grinch, decided that he wasn’t so different from them all after all.
I love the passage above the most from the book, for me it’s a friendly reminder of what the holidays, and Christmas is all about. As a young professional and single mother, the holidays are extremely stressful and I worry about money and being able to get my daughter a few nice things. And then there are my nieces. And my sisters. And my Mom. And my co-workers. And a few close friends. Ahhh!! It’s overwhelming because I like to give meaningful nice gifts to those I care about…and they often carry hefty price tags. And every year I end up in debt over the holidays, regardless of the budget I create for myself. It’s easy to get caught up in the holidays, and I’m guilty of forgetting what the holidays really mean to me and my family. My daughter and I spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together, just the two of us, making cookies and watching movies, and dancing of course. And it’s those moments: setting out cookies and milk for Santa, and when I tuck her in to bed Christmas Eve night that reminds me of what Christmas is all about.
I often doubt my ability to provide for all my daughter’s needs and wants being a single mom. I’m spread t-h-i-n and I have to sacrifice on a daily basis. Christmas isn’t about the gifts; it isn’t about shopping till I drop. It’s about the memories, it’s about love. Under the tree will be full, heck my whole house will be full of Christmas spirit this year because I am blessed; I have a beautiful, happy, kind, healthy child who I am crazy about. She inspires me, she makes me laugh, and she may be the wisest person I know. She is my gift every single day. And that’s not something you can buy in a store.


Happy Holidays from our hearts to yours


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