Alexandra’s ramblings…

And it is as if I am unknown…to myself. In an instant I remember her. Gracefully progressing. With the smooth delivery of her words she inspires. Her sturdy smile a perfect complement to the sparkle in her eye, she exudes strength with incredible ease. She’s a warrior, a solider. Unwilling to be shackled, she looks to her past with warmth and acceptance. Forgiveness and fairness she lives by every day.

I can see her. I extend my arms to her. I reach. And reach. But am unable to feel the cool touch of her upon my fingertips.

She is me. I am her. Though she is trapped within me, urging, fighting, screaming to live.

I must give it up to myself; I have the most amazing way of throwing myself in a corner, unwilling to accept anything other than one specific ideal. My thought process allows for only one way, there are no options. I’ve morphed into someone unfamiliar these past few months, which have me wondering, searching for the beauty I once possessed. A beauty seen in my face, heard in my laughter.

There is nothing fiercer than being at odds with yourself. To go about your day on shaky ground, second guessing you’re every move, constantly anxious and fearful. Waking up in the middle of the night scared, worried.

I have been tested, I have been defeated. And again with some unknown reserve of endurance I lift myself up. Will I break? Is it just a

matter of when? Give yourself a break… You’re doing a great job… they say, but in one ear out the other it goes. Means nothing if I cannot accept these words as fact.

This blog, these words, are my thoughts in its purest most organic form. As I have said before I write to heal – to understand the many swirling thoughts in my head. To better understand why this 26 year old single mom, college grad, independent working Mom can’t give herself a damn break already. To understand why the hell I create these ridiculous expectations of myself. To understand why I feel like I am going to crumble and b r e   a   k.

I was so excited to launch the new blog and post some new kick-a** content and then BOOM life got real. In a matter of a week I somehow worked 70 hours, helped pull off a 360 gala at a swanky hotel, and went through some medical ish that had me in the hospital for 7 hours the night/morning before my huge event. I only got 1.5 hours of sleep that night *gulp*. Don’t ask me how I did it; don’t ask me how I survived. I felt terribly guilty working so much and had to rely on family and friends to help with my daughter, who missed me and wondered when I was going to be home.

I was thisclose to walking out of work many days last week, the pressure and stress got to me. I wasn’t able to think straight or be creative. Thursday night I got home a little after midnight from my gala event, I checked in on my daughter snoring loudly, went back into the kitchen and wept in my boyfriend’s arms. I didn’t say surviving was easy. I try so so hard to hold it all together, but last week proved that there are cracks in my armor…and that’s ok. I have to cut myself some slack, we’ve all got to give ourselves more credit for all that we do, and how hard we grind for ourselves and our families.

Life is still a ball of crazy but I’m able to see better this week, and I’m taking it slower, cutting myself some slack, and patting myself on the back. Somehow, someway I get up every morning and put my best foot forward as a mother, woman, and employee.

Shoot, I’m doing better than surviving. I’m living.