Alexandra Elizabeth » CoParenting

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Mommy: I have a Baby Sister

I’ve always had high expectations of myself. Being where I’m at has never been good enough. I’m insatiable. Perfectionist? No. Over achiever? Gosh yes. These expectations drastically increased once I became someone’s Mom. Increased again once I became a solo parent. I am still trying to understand my place as a single mother, co-parenting with someone I once loved. He and I were such an unexpected match, a beautiful disaster if you will. I craved him. And now, being in his presence embarrasses me. You live and you learn and you love and you fall out of love. But, when a child is created from that once blissful warm union things tend to get tricky…dangerous even.

I have no intention of being a nasty coparent, though I do admit that I am a ferocious emotional creature. This is who I am and I’ve accepted it and am working on reigning in my emotions. Motherhood has been nothing but an adventure that I’ve gladly strapped myself in for, lifted my hands in the air, and enjoyed. Co-parenting on the other hand…I greatly dislike it. It tends to bring out the worst in me (my fault), nothing nothing nothing could prepare me for what occurred early this year when my daughter came home and told me she had a baby sister.

Lil Mama: Mommy I have a baby sister.

Me: What? No you don’t, I’m not pregnant!

Lil Mama: No Mommy, Daddy has a baby. I have a baby sister.

Me: Whaatt? No, no, he doesn’t have another baby silly.

Lil Mama: Yes, yes he does, I met her!

Me: (silence)

I…I…broke down. Drowning, I felt I was drowning, gulping down mouthfuls of water. I was not prepared. I have not been able to stomach talking with my daughter about this new addition to her father’s family. Perhaps it’s because he and I are going head to head, perhaps it’s because I don’t want to accept it. This is someone I was in love with, shared a bed with, created a child with. Perhaps I’m not woman enough to get over my bitterness. But I am woman enough to admit I don’t know how to handle this situation. When she brings up this baby I am either silent or change the topic quick, fast, and in a hurry.

Digging deeper I think I’m trying to protect my daughter and myself. I’m not being selfish, but this isn’t just about my daughter, it’s about me as well. Because I am the one who once again has to clean up the mess. I have to answer the questions she asks. This new addition was sprung on her, no conversations were had, and I’m livid he wasn’t man enough to inform me so I could talk with her about it. I think a lot about what her views on her Father are, and men in general. I DON’T want her to think that his behavior is the norm – that this is what men are all about. But, how can I make her think any different when she adores him?

How can I protect her from men like her own Father?

Posted on: July 9th, 2012 | 23 Comments »
Tags: blended family, coparent, coparenting, family, single mom, single mother
Posted in CoParenting, Family, Motherhood

What’s been keeping me up at night

Well aside from my insomnia and sleep apnea….coparenting. Yes another post on coparenting from me. Co-parenting has always been something I have struggled with being a single parent. This past year has been an incredibly tough year for me and my co-parent and his relationship with our daughter. Our daughter is old enough now where she is severely affected when he is not around when he says he is going to be. Watching my daughter’s big brown eyes peer out the window waiting impatiently for her Dad, and him never showing up has shattered my heart into pieces. His previous absence and inconsistency really affected her, and as her Mother, I of course want to protect her and don’t want to see her hurting.

I wrote a post titled What Scares Me About Co-Parenting, it was a very honest post about my concerns with this our usually dysfunctional co-parenting relationship. From the post: I am afraid that my daughter will grow up not trusting men. I fear every time she asks where her Daddy is.I fear that our daughter will resent me because I’m the tough parent and he’s the fun parent (when he’s around). I fear that she will grow up to be me. A worried child who felt like her Daddy didn’t love her. Because if he did he would surely want to spend time with me. He’d want to come around on birthdays, at my high school graduation, at the birth of my child.

I’m glad I’m taking the time to be mindful of all these issues, but at the end of the day, she has me, and if I can say so, she’s pretty damn lucky to have such a passionate and loving mother. I can’t change her father; all I can do is keep the line of communication open with our daughter so she’s comfortable enough to have conversations about how she’s feeling. And we’ve had a few so far, they haven’t been easy for me, but they are important to have. It’s important to respect her feelings. This situation is difficult for her as well, and she needs to be able to have a voice. So while all these worries consume me at night, when I peek in her room and see her peacefully sleeping tangled between her favorite pillows, one foot hanging off the bed and snoring, I take a small comfort in knowing that I’m enough.

Posted on: March 22nd, 2012 | No Comments »
Tags: co parenting, confidence, coparent, coparenting, single mom, single mother
Posted in CoParenting, Mom, Motherhood, Single Mom, Single Parenting

Are we promoting the idea that love comes without responsibility?

Raising a daughter, especially alone, I am very aware of the messages I am sending her by what I say and do, and what I don’t say and do. Co-parenting has its struggles, and one of them includes comforting your child when the co-parent isn’t around. Mommy, where is daddy? Why isn’t daddy around? Is Daddy working? Mommy, WHEN is Daddy coming? There is no worse feeling for me as a Mother to see my precious daughter sitting at the window, peeking through the blinds just waiting for her father’s car to pull up…but never does. My heart breaks, and as furious as it makes me, I clench my fists for a minute, then calmly soothe my daughter’s anxiety and tell her that her daddy loves her very much and is going to see her very soon.

But, something hasn’t been adding up for a while. I often wonder how she processes what I am saying and the actions (or lack thereof) of her father. He is clearly not around consistently, but I am assuring her that he loves her. But again…he is not around. I have begun feeling like I am promoting the idea that love comes without responsibility. I am afraid that these mixed messages are actually just confusing her more. I wonder how this will affect her in the future, and it makes me scared.

While our experiences have been different, I shared my concerns with the fabulous Natasha Vianna, a fellow blogger and friend. She is also raising a young daughter on her own, and I wanted her perspective on the idea of promoting love without responsibility.

Much like Alexandra, I feel overwhelmed with sadness and anger when my daughter’s tears are provoked by her father’s lack of presence. I also realize that I have played a major role in setting her up for a possible disaster. Whether she heard conversations over the phone I had with him or saw how frustrated I became when he didn’t show. She emulated a lot of how I felt. She saw my facial expression and my disappointment even though I tried to mask my anger. As a mother, the last thing I wanted was to have her little heart feel broken when I’d have to tell her that her dad wasn’t going to show up today.

A lot of that changed when I accepted that her father was never going to be my definition of an amazing dad. Instead of pushing for more, I realized that I would have to settle for what was 100% achievable now and work my way from there. So that meant only Sundays for them. Her father could guarantee his presence and I could guarantee her availability. And so it began. No tears. No sadness.

I also feel like a lot of what I want for my daughter is directly related to my experience as a child with my father. I grew up with a dad who only saw me once a week on Sundays. I’m sure there were times when he canceled, came late, or dropped us off early, but I really don’t remember. In my teen years I didn’t get along with him, then he became my best friend for a while. But what teenager always gets along with her dad? I told him how I truly felt about him sometimes and it hurt him. And my daughter will have that opportunity too. Her father can one day feel guilty for not being more involved, or maybe he won’t. He’s only being the father that he knows how to be. Do I support it? No. All I can do is support my daughter, how she’s feeling and tell her that it’s completely okay to feel the way she does. It’s not my job to mold a man.

Although I don’t want to promote love without responsibility, I also don’t want to promote love as a duty. I don’t want to define love for her. Love shouldn’t feel forced. If I force her dad to see her when he’s not mentally or emotionally capable, I’m only setting her up for more pain. She will sense the turmoil and feel like a burden in his life. I cannot expect her dad to make a huge flip overnight and decide to take her for more than one day a week, be completely consistent and reliable if he’s never been that before. He has to want that and he has to make that change on his own.

Until then, I give my child the best love a mother can, ensure she spends time with my dad who serves as a positive male, father-figure role and encourage her to be more vocal about her feelings when she’s with her dad. I empower her to understand that she deserves the best love in the world and she has so many different variations of it – close love from mom and distant love from dad. It’s tough but my sole responsibility is raising a happy child.

Visit Natasha’s blog HERE

Posted on: November 4th, 2011 | 1 Comment »
Tags: co parenting, family, single mom, single parent
Posted in Black Motherhood, CoParenting, Motherhood, Parenting, Single Mom, Single Parenting

Raising a child without a village

We’ve all heard the phrase it takes a village to raise a child. Having support when raising a child is crucial, and I know many people who rely on a village to assist in raising their family. It could be their immediate family, extended family, spouse, parents, or friends. These are the people that have your whole back, who are there for you and your family. You here about all the wonderful benefits of having a village, but what happens this village doesn’t exist for you and your family?

I read a lot of posts talking about the wonderful support people have in their lives, and I sink down in my seat. It’s no secret I’m a single parent, but beyond myself I’m the only one around consistently caring for my child. The dynamics of my immediate family have changed, and though I wish it weren’t the case, they are no longer a phone call away. I was frustrated last weekend because I wanted to go for a run Saturday morning…and had no one to call. Sure, I could hire a sitter, but that’d swallow more of the money I don’t have. Maybe it’s my pride; I don’t love asking for help. Part of me expects the people who claim to care for my daughter and I to step up and make more of an effort to be part of her life.

While it would be great to get out once in awhile, that’s not my reason for desiring a village. I view a village as a safety net. You know the trust fall we did back in high school. I want to close my eyes, fall back, and know I won’t hit the ground. Trusting in united hands to support not only me, but my daughter as well.

Have I tried to build up my village? Of course. But, something is missing. Something big. I am doing my best, but I wonder how great I’d be doing if I had a village behind me.

Posted on: October 25th, 2011 | No Comments »
Tags: children, family, village
Posted in CoParenting, Family, Mom

What scares me about Co-Parenting

Living in Massachusetts all my life, I’ve heard about The Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy briefly throughout the years, and then became more aware of them once Tara over at The Young Mommy Life starting writing with them. After a bit of networking I have happily been asked to write for their blog called The Pushback. The Pushback is a great blog through the alliance whose contributors are those that work directly with young parents or young parents themselves (like me and Tara). The Pushback is a chance to push against all that ignorance, bitterness, and prejudice and show what young parenthood really looks like.

I’m excited to share my first post with you all, and it’s titled: What scares me about Co-Parenting. Yes, if you are one of my dedicated readers you know I’ve written quite a few posts regarding my tense co-parenting relationship. There is a lot of fear I have for myself and daughter because of my now strained relationship with my daughter’s father. I encourage you to check out my post along with the Alliance, which is a great support for people in Massachusetts as well as nationwide.