Archive for August, 2010

Back at it…AGAIN!

Back at it AGAIN!
So many of you know about my … difficulty with co-parenting. I’ve cried many tears over the end of my relationship with my daughter’s father. Beat myself up over and over and over because we aren’t the ideal co-parents. Wondering where in the heck we went wrong. But it all boiled down to pushing all the BS aside because co-parenting matters to me. Because my daughter having 2 functional reliable parents means more to me than anything. Anything.
So why are we beefing AGAIN!!!
Long story short: there was some name calling, some raised voices, and a phone hung up in my face. Now he feels I’m a neglectful parent…claims other people see it too….
How dare, how dare, how D-A-R-E he call me a neglectful parent when he is only a “parent” Monday through Thursday from 3-8pm. How dare he tell me I’m neglectful, when I ensure that all of my daughter’s needs are met…and more. How dare he, how dare he.
My blood is b.o.i.l.i.n.g.
I know why he called me that. A few weeks back he didn’t bring her home by a certain time; I got frustrated and said I’ll pick her up for the rest of the week. He felt I was neglecting my daughter from seeing her daughter. But neglect is not a word I would EVER use. I have never called him a neglectful parent, I’ve used some other not so nice words before, but never neglect.
I will NOT apologize for wanting my daughter to follow a schedule. And I will NOT apologize for feeling like he needs to be more communicative with me when changes occur. I mean, when she came home late she wanted to eat, and then there was our bedtime ritual. He is definitely not offering to come help me with that. That is on me. And when she was cranky the next morning, I had to deal with that. Not him.
So we are back at it again. Again, again, again. And I’m not so sure the end result will be a positive one for either of us.
So WHAT do I do??? I sent him a not so nice text after our conversation, and I have not heard from him, nor have I reached out again. I want to just get away, move away from him. But that wouldn’t be in the best interests of my daughter. Where is there a middle ground? I’m really not so sure it exists anymore.


Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort?

Please check out my latest post: Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort over on WeParent’s website.

Many of you know the struggles I’ve had co-parenting. It’s no easy task, and its something that I am learning to accept. Even though I get frustrated, even though I sometimes want to say its my way or the highway, I won’t. Because co-parenting IS worth the effort.

Hope you all can check it out!


Troubled Morning

I wrote this yesterday morning, but didn’t have the time to post.

Damn its only 9:34 in the morning and already I’m ready to give up on the day, put on my pjs and curl into bed surrounded by pillows. Surrounded by nothing. I’m stressed, I’m aggravated, I’m exhausted, I’m worn, I’m burnt o-u-t. What is weighing most heavy on my heart and mind is my daughter’s father. We’ve haven’t been communicating at all recently and it’s really made me upset. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t look at me. It’s as if I don’t exist. Wonder if that is what he wants…me to just disappear. He will only communicate with me via technology. By text or by email. Does he hate me that much? Do we really have that much anger towards each other that we cannot even have a conversation. Cant even say hello when he drops her off. Makes me feel like a failure. How did we get to this point? We are both to blame, but here I am stressing about it…and I’m sure he could care less. Here I am crying at work because I cant even talk to the man that is the Father of my child. He has no idea how much he affects me. I guess we can’t be friends, guess that is too much to ask for. But I cannot just turn off my emotions. I’m a dangerously sensitive woman, and this situation, watching it fall apart right in front of me, is tearing me apart. Gosh, I feel so weak at times. So vulnerable. Come on Alex!! Toughen up!! Where is that armor of steel? Where is that don’t-mess-with-me attitude? Why with him, do I completely crumble?? I’m on an emotional rollercoaster with him…and we’re not even together. And he doesn’t even realize it. I’m not one of those co-parents that can curse him and talk a whole lot of ish about him and brush it all off. I cant do that, but man how I wish I could. In a way I feel trapped. Trapped in my emotions, in my thoughts. I cant escape them. I cant escape the want to go to him and tell him what is bothering me, to have him comfort me. For our daughter to hug us both, at the same time. 9:45, back to work I go, hoping these thoughts cease and I can get through my day. Fake smile is ready…gotta fake it till I make it.


Journaling Motherhood

I was over reading The Young Mommy Life’s most recent post, Love Letter to my 2 year old. Tara wrote a letter to her soon to be 2 year old son, and it really touched me and is the inspiration for this post.

My daughter will be 5 at the end of next month (where in the world did time go??) when she was first born I didn’t work and had time to write in my journal about motherhood and update her baby book and work on her scrapbook. But as time went on I went back to work, and if that wasn’t enough I went back to school full-time. So now I work full-time, am a full-time student, and a single mom. So needless to say my schedule is a bit packed and I hardly have time to breathe most days. But Tara’s post made me think about that journal that I wrote in.

My daughter turning 5 next month is a big landmark for me. For us. A few days after her 5th birthday I’ll be celebrating (dreading) my 25th birthday. I think back to 2:11pm on September 22nd, 2005 when I saw my surprisingly pale daughter for the first time. I thought she’d be a baby forever. And when she became a toddler I thought she’d be a toddler forever. And now as we prepare for her to start Kindergarten in just weeks, I cannot not believe that my baby girl has grown up so fast.

I don’t want to forget about the little things she says and the funny things she does. These moments are so precious and priceless and I want to be able to remember them and share them with her when she is older.

So I’ve decided I want to journal about motherhood, a diary for my daughter when she gets older. I can track my thoughts and feelings as she continues to grow and learn and explore. I should have started this when she was a baby, but better late than never. 

My baby girl when she was 6 months